I go on deployment next year for about 9 months. Anyone want to stay at my apartment for 9 months rent free and keep and eye on the place?

Changed commands in January and changed apartments in March. I was living in a one bedroom/one bath and usually slept in the living room on the couch. My new place is more expensive and much nicer looking, 2bed/2bath, just a few streets from the beach, 2 exits from another beach, and 3 exits from my new workplace which is sandwiched between 2 beaches. I still spend a majority of my nights sleeping in my living room on the couch.

I'm going to get shot/killed.

When I joined the Navy a few people were concerned that I would be put in harms away but I reassured them that being an Air Traffic Controller I'd always be in the rear with the gear, nice and safe. I was wrong.

I'm starting to train for a specialized ATC rating based on the Air Force's Combat Controller program. Basically what I'm training to do is go 'in-country' with a bunch of marines, we take over an airfield or set up and landing zone, and I start landing aircraft with troops. I have to qualify for the weapons I will be carrying (rifle, handgun), close quarters combat, survival evasion resistance escape (SERE school, teaching me to handle torture and live in the woods), radio operation, how to jump out of a helicopter, how to escape a helicopter that's crashed in the water (the dunk tank, where you get strapped in and they dunk the helo frame in and then flip it underwater), and of course how to set up a landing zone using lights or glowsticks and sandbags. I got pegged into this because I have the required ATC background that others don't :(

I have a ton of mixed feelings about all of this. Everyone is telling me its not a big deal because the only time they'd use me is if we went to war with someone or humanitarian relief, so like 90% of the time we never go out. To me that just means that if ever I did get deployed in-country I'm guaranteed to be going some place that sucks and that is dangerous. It really doesn't do much for me career-wise because its not really something thats applicable to FAA work and how the hell does that look on a resume? The people I work with are either laughing at me because of the crazy training I'm going to be subjected to or jealous.

:(

I stopped going to my CoDA meetings some time ago, and then I intentionally left my shrink's office without scheduling another appointment a month ago. I kept telling her that the things she recommends I try to fix myself are totally unrealistic and don't help in the least. The last thing she recommended I do was to start writing 5 things a day that make me happy, to try and learn to look for upsides and so on in life. The thing is its not like I don't see good things in life or there aren't things that don't make me happy. The problem is it only takes one thing to destroy it all, like building sand castles on the beach... it only takes one small wave to wash it all away.

Things are weighing on my heart so much. For one thing, I have crossed the line I told myself I wouldn't cross. I've been letting my depression and anger boil over to my professional life. I've controlled angry, I've gone on with the expectation and desire for conflict (I want to yell at a pilot mostly) and I have done some really spiteful things to people on the airfield in the same vein. When I turned down tower supervisor it was to keep myself from doing exactly these sorts of things. I can't even imagine how far things would have gone had I been in complete power over the tower. Something that would have gotten me in deep trouble to say the least.

After Christmas last year when Conti and I were fighting she told me that she had had a miscarriage while she was in her hometown and that it was mine. In hindsight it could have been a lie to make me stay with her, it could have been half a dozen other guy's baby, or maybe it was mine. I can't get over the uncertainty for one. Second... when she told me I was really really sad. The first pregnancy scare I had (with someone else) scared me and I was worried my life was over. I didn't feel that way at all in this case. There was a few times before she had asked what I would do if she became pregnant and I always answered I would marry her (she always replied that a baby wouldn't be enough reason for her to marry me and I always replied back I would give her reasons). I constantly think of what could have been.

The thing that really breaks me down is how much my mind plays with the idea of still being with her, getting back with her. I've asked myself countless times what I would say or do if she showed up at my doorstep (even though shes under orders never to). I know vaguely (by design, the specifics break my heart) of the evils shes done to me... and yet my mind tells me I'd go for it. My mind quickly snaps back and reminds me of the hurt and evil shes inflicted on me, but I have to honestly admit my mind thinks that way. Every time it happens I am forced to acknowledge it, and every time it feels like I've conceded some defeat.

Its a constant tug-of-war in my head that actually causes me headaches. I've decided to ask to be assigned (for the rest of my tour on the island) to the island's Annex on North Island. I expect this to be a very tough battle to win. Despite the fact that I am close to leaving already I am still relied on daily. I would argue now that the crew shakeup is complete that we have enough qualifications in our crew that my absence would not be severe, but I do not know if the upper chain of command would agree. Much less that many would see it as me getting special treatment since everyone else is stuck working on the island. I've decided that if its not approved I will push it as far up the chain of command as possible, requesting a captains mass. That is a double edged sword, one one hand the OIC could show me sympathy/mercy and grant my request once he hears my story. The other, and far more likely, is that I will be forced to air out the departments dirty laundry so to speak and implicate myself in a lot of wrong doing while everyone else will lie and deny the whole thing (which is fine, I was told to expect that) because it makes some people look like shit bags and whats worse the upper chain of command covered some very serious stuff up. I'll be drawing some serious aggro all around if things go this way.

There are times when I think I can stick it out and make it, but that is because I am off island. That is the whole point, being off island makes this all just a little bit more bearable. My life on the island is completely different. Its full of fear/dread. This Wednesday we have another Hail and Fair-Well and I don't want to be at this social event because Conti will be there. Last time it was a huge fight to make me go since it was mandatory. I think this one is also mandatory but its only been implied. Nobody has actually come out and said attendance was compulsory so I plan on skipping it and when I get yelled at I can claim plausible deniability.

I don't know why but Missy has stopped talking to me. We talked briefly on Thursday but since then she hasn't returned any of my text messages, called me back, or replied to my email about what dates would be good for her to come visit (I was trying to buy her a plane ticket). Missy is so much more mature than the girls I usually involve myself with so I can't understand why she would just freeze me out without saying why. I'd like to think its because she hasn't been online, but shes checked her myspace apparently, or on a short cruise but they don't pull out until September. I can't figure it out, and its enough to keep me from sleeping at 5am.

I was supposed to drive up to see my family and friends in my hometown last Thursday but I've been feeling so mentally drained I didn't think I'd be able to handle the long drive. Instead I took a co-worker car hunting. We went and saw Harry Potter and she stayed over (on my futon). The next day she mentioned something about her ex-pal Conti (to the effect of the first few days she was here Conti took her to a hotel she was staying at with god knows who. Also that there is a ton of guys shes talked to who think shes trash, not because of things they have heard her doing, but because of the long laundry list of things they have "done to her") and of course any info of this type unhinges me and I became depressed and withdrawn. I took my co-worker back to her barracks and just let myself swing off the hinges for a day (meaning just sit around as a sad sack of shit). Today I figured I should try and be social and invited her back to hang out and she is again crashed out on my living room futon.

I am kind of trying things out. I have very few close friends, and while I don't particularly care to become close friends with this co-worker, I think its good practice for me to try and socialize myself.

I've been going to fleet and family services for counseling for a while now to help me get a handle on my co-dependence issues. Additionally I've continued to go to my CoDA 12 step meetings whenever possible. I sort of hit a wall with both, I've been having trouble sleeping at night because as tired as I am when I shut off the TV and try to settle in my brain kicks into gear and I can't sleep. These thoughts are usually about my relationship with Conti like how I could have done things differently or just what could have been, but in the end I know she can't be faithful with anyone and ultimately things would ended badly no matter what. These are roads I've been down hundreds of times, go nowhere, but I can't stop walking down. My counselor felt that it sprang from an obsessive compulsive anxiety basis and recommended I continue treatment with Fleet Mental Health under medication.

Medication is bad news in my profession. I was looking at potentially being down for one year, maybe losing my job entirely, and if I was down when I got new orders the command I would be transferring to could choose to reject me and leave me stuck here or a temporary holding unit.

I've been to FMH 3 times, once for paperwork, another time for the initial consult and a psych test, and the last being the first session with my psychologist. I've been told that due to my job requirements they will try to work with me without meds. That is good news.

I put in for orders a few weeks back, orders I was later told I wasn't supposed to be able to pick, that I didn't get.

My friend Missy, my ex from A-school, pulled into port and even though she was on duty we hung out on her ship and got all caught up. Long story short her and I decided to give 'us' another shot. The joys of LDRs.

I figured I'd put in for orders to her boat so we could be together. When I got to work they told me I had been selected for my original pick, I'm going to Tacron 11 here in San Diego.

I flew off the island yesterday so I can go to a dentist appointment this morning. Its stupid but because the Navy doesn't want me taking too much time off I have to take the 12 o'clock flight back to the island so I will arrive on the rock about 1230 and then I have a 1400 flight back off so I need to be back at the terminal at 1300... so about 30 minutes before I hop from my on-coming flight to the off-going.

I needed a haircut and decided I'd try and find some local barber that I could go to regularly. I stopped into the place closest to my house run by some little old asian lady who fucking butchered my hair. I went to another place and they fixed it as best they could and I think I will make them my regular place.

I drove pretty much to Miramar to attend a CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) meeting. Its exactly like it sounds, a 12 step meeting. I just wanted to check it out but since I am usually only off island on the weekends I will need to find a group that meets my schedule. I walked in and sank into my chair and stared at the ground while I listened to people in the group share snippets of their lives. I saw myself in so many of the things they talked about and I kind of wanted to cry. I didn't share anything myself and when the meeting ended I just got up and left. I'm not having a break-down or anything I don't think I'm just very broken and my nerves feel raw and my defenses weak.

I'm going to drive to my parent's place tonight.

I finally got an apartment, enabling me to spend time off island in comfort. I moved in Friday, and I'll be going home next weekend to pick up some furniture from my parents house.

( Home is where you hang your... computer, tv, laptop and 360? )

A few months back I was up for an award (blue jacket sailor of the quarter) which I griped about how it was great for evaluation purposes but ultimately it sucks because it draws the attention and scrutiny of a board. I won for both sides because I had no competition.

Last week I was nominated and won again for blue jacket of the quarter AND blue jacket sailor of the year for San Clemente Island. I actually had to stand for a prep board on the island because they were sending me to North Island to go against their BJSQ for the year award for both commands, but lucky for me they screwed up the date and I ended up not having to go before the board at all.

Running back to lj when I'm stressed and upset.

Things with Conti really blew up tonight. Things have been really hot and cold for a couple weeks but didn't really come to a head until now.

A few weeks ago with duty weekend closing in I asked her to stay the weekend on the island with me. Things really kept degrading and it ended with her coming up with flimsy excuses why she needed to leave.

About two weeks ago I found out the reason she was so set on needing to go off island is because she was indeed cheating on me. I found this out while staying in Coronado while spending the weekend with her. She pulled a disappearing act on me, and she had left her off-island phone in my car which I snooped through and found a message from her inviting the guy over for the night. At first she denied everything as she always does but eventually she broke down and admitted to having been cheating on me for some time. I'm a fool. We actually made up and while things were tense and starined between us she seemed genuinely remorseful that she had wronged me and I felt that things with her were worth salvaging. She pulled a disappearing act on me again briefly to go have dinner with another guy but being an idiot I let her story that he had tricked her into a one on one date by claiming other people would be showing up. After admitting to cheating on me I figured she would probably not be lying about this and risk losing me.

Our relationship remained strained for the next two weeks, but for the most part I was working on trying to build some trust between us and trying to expose to her the things she was doing that caused further friction. She seemed to go along with the program, bucking it once or twice but eventually conceding to my logical reasonings. We even spent an entire weekend just the two of us, something I had wanted from the beginning.

Tonight was the island Christmas party, and we had both gotten fancy outfits (I wore a one button tuxedo jacket with matching pants, a white shirt, and a black tie striped with white and silver and she wore a black dress I had picked out for her the previous weekend). Through out the night she was a social butterfly and I barely got a moment with her. I was feeling very lonely and asked to hold her hand which she refused because she hates PDA. There was a part of the party where the people who actually dressed up for the event took stage and I escorted her remarking to her that it was stupid the only way I could hold her arm in public was by doing this event. Later that night I left the party without telling her frustrated that she was treating me like a stranger. We texted back and forth a few times, and finally wanting a face to face talk i attempted to find her at an after-party but had to return to my room when the island police began enforcing curfew. I snuck back out and found her and told her I wanted to speak to her privately and reluctantly she stepped outside where I told her I didn't want to be with her anymore because she only acted like my girlfriend in private, that she was a horrible girlfriend for the things she had put me through, and before stomping off to add injury and burn my bridges with her I raised my voice loud enough for the people next to us to hear 'I cant believe you fucking cheated on me Conti' and left as she turned back up the stairs and headed back to the party clearly upset.

I went next to Zack's room, one of the few decent people on the island to talk to him and I put out everything that had been happening between her and I. He gave me the typical stuff about how I needed to stay strong and just do what I needed for me and if I worked things out with her they should be on my terms but if not that I could do better. I left after the sleeping pills I took kicked in (I've been taking sleeping pills for a little while now because there were often nights when our relationship issues caused me to lose sleep. I've been going with over the counter stuff that is supposed to be non-habit forming).

Back in my room I laid in my bed restlessly but was finally able to fall asleep. I slept for about 3 hours before waking back up and unable to get myself back to sleep I grabbed my laundry and headed to the commons at around 5am. On the way I saw her room lights on and I knocked on her door and tried to call her but she must have turned off her phone because my 2nd call went to voicemail. I basically went over because I wanted to broker a truce, to promise not to go around putting our business and her secrets in exchange that she do the same for me (mine being collecting BAH and not having a place to live so mine could be jail-time) and to ask for my dvds and such back. Since she was not answering the door I went back to the commons and that is where I am now.

Bleh

I have a weak will, clearly. I celebrated ending things with Conti by jumping right back onto the crazy train and getting involved with her again. I've ended things with her and started right back up where I left off a half dozen times since the last entry. Its really quite insane.

Whats worse is when she cries I feel like I'm right back where I was with Paloma when I'd make her cry. I've been so wrapped up in that feeling that a few times I almost called her 'Po' when trying to calm her down by hugging her.

I was pretty disturbed by that and so I decided to compound my craziness by checking out her livejournal... she had posted a picture a few public entries back and that really killed me.

Later, as has become the norm, I slept over in Conti's room and I had a dream about Po. She had changed schools and was living here in SoCal with her mom, who was driving a taxi my brother and I got into. We started texting each other catching up and she was asking me if I wanted to hang out sometime. I remember texting back that it would probably be a bad idea since I am so drawn to her and getting out of the cab and then waking up. I slipped out of bed so I could sneak back to my room and throw myself a pity party, but Conti woke up and demanded I stay.

Things at work are going better, sort of. The guy who was primary on local quit, bumping me into the primary trainee spot. His revocation paperwork is forthcoming and hes pretty bitter about the whole ordeal. He snapped at me once, much to the delight of the crew because I quickly stepped up and told him I would fight him if he wanted. Of course he backed down but everyone started joking that I was scared of him, which is a huge joke. This guy hurts himself when he hiccups. Seriously, I am not exaggerating at all. Oh well.